New wingman wanted, old one broken

For the crimes of failing to update his skills, unsportsman like behavior and general suckiness at the picking up of women, I hereby consign my old wingman to the second place role of best friend and seek a new wingman. Only the qualified and very skilled need apply.

Ok, so that's kinda dramatic. But it is necessary. My wingman for almost four years has become incredibly sucky at the task at hand. How so, you ask? Well for one thing, of late he's taking to calling dibs on, "the pretty one." All the time. That's just rude. I mean, that's really unbecoming. What works best with wingmen is if you have slightly different tastes in women and thus you generally let the one whose type is most represented by the pretty one have a first go, or if that doesn't work, at least alternate. Well, my wingman no longer has a type. Long periods of unattachedness have left him without standards of any sort other than the generic, "prettier one." And that is almost a crime of nature.

Second, he's fighting me for girls. Really fucking unacceptable. You can't have your winngman making moves on girls you have a previous relationship with or he knows you're into. Unfortunately, not only has my wingman recently slept with an ex-girlfriend of mine (one of my most recent and disastrous too), he's muscled in on my booty call territory in hideous and unacceptable ways. Men have faced the garrote for lesser crimes.

And my third and not at all inconsequential complaint, he just sucks at the business! I mean, he's never been great at it, but even as I'm getting much better, he's getting worse. How's that possible? I've got beautiful women coming to my parties so he can set up dates with them that never go anywhere. He ain't pulling at clubs, ain't pulling at bars, ain't pulling on the job... And when the man talks about going to clubs so he can "hump," should I pimpslap him or have him delivered to a shrink? I mean, that mentality was barely acceptable in college. Three years on, that's just fucking unnecessary. He's never been able to dance, his dress game is slipping and if anything, he's getting less smooth. Gaddamit, we need an intervention.

The thing is, it's a delicate situation. I may have mentioned that he doubles as my best friend and one does not just dispose of those nilly willy. Besides, he is a good man in many ways, better than me in some. And when he's not being a sucky wingman or crossing boundaries with my women, he's pretty loyal. That counts for a lot. Nevertheless, this cannot conntinue. A change must come. Got any ideas for me?