Buy me a yellow rose
Did the blonde breathe, "I love you" before that kiss last night? I shudder thinking the thought.
Broke up with Opera Girl Saturday night. It was not fun. In fact, I'd venture to say it was the very apothesis of fun, by far the most harrowing and painful breakup I've gone through. I may not know what love is but heartache I'm familiar with. It sits with me now.
Of course we broke up because I don't want to be with her. Yet it saddens me greatly to think that she's out of my life, and it's all that I can do to resist calling her right at this moment (there is a very emphathic and angry moment when she detailed the things I was not to do, call her and make sure she's alright, email her, send her a friendster message. it is her intent to pretend I'm dead I believe. Does this confuse you? This ambivalence about being in a relationship with a person I obviously like so much? Imagine how much it confuses me. Better yet, think what it does to her.
I think perhaps I'm simply such a cipher in person that it is too easy for those involved with me to inscribe upon me whatever it is they want to see. I'm nice, I'm kind, I'm polite, occasionally I'm even fun. If the basics of decent humanity appear to be covered and I keep the rest of myself to myself, then they can just imagine me to be whoever they want to be. If I am nice to them, I must like them. If I hold them in bed, I must want to protect them. If I carry their bags, I must care for them. If all these things, then I must feel more for them than mere fondness right?
What is intimacy? Are you able to have it with one person only? Is it something you can only develop with those you truly, trly want to be with? Does it come easy or hard?
I can't say with any honesty that I love either of these women. I enjoy their company and like them both very much, one (who just left) above the other perhaps. I find much to admire, much to be entertained by and much to value in both of them. I care about them and hate to be the cause of any hurt in their lives. I would be very (and demostrably) angry at anyone else who brought pain into their lives. Does this amount to love?
Because I still do not find (as I told Opera girl in the calm after the immediate fury of the opera of our break up), to paraphrase some cornball romantic comedy that I can't remember, that either of them complete me. I'm not looking for perfection, I'm not looking for my female doppelganger but as much as I like each of these women, there are qualities in them that prevent me from wanting to spend all my time exclusively with them or envisioning long and rewarding relationships with them. The blonde has too many bad habits, big ones that grind on my nerves and it cannot be long till I tire of them. Opera girl? Could you be in a relationship with someone who's kisses you never came to love? However good everything else was? If you never merged physically in a manner that fulfilled you? How do you even tell someone you don't enjoy their kisses?
We broke up because she said she wanted to be with just me and for me to be with just her. We broke up because she said, "I think I'm falling in love with you" and I knew that it would be totally unfair to stay with her when I knew that there was no future and I didn't want a future with her, at least not that way. And yes, I do wonder if I made a mistake and if I've built up unreasonable expecatations about who I could be happy with and I really ought to call her and tell her I'm fine being with her and her alone but even more urgently I wonder,
Did the blonde breathe, "I love you" before that kiss last night?
Broke up with Opera Girl Saturday night. It was not fun. In fact, I'd venture to say it was the very apothesis of fun, by far the most harrowing and painful breakup I've gone through. I may not know what love is but heartache I'm familiar with. It sits with me now.
Of course we broke up because I don't want to be with her. Yet it saddens me greatly to think that she's out of my life, and it's all that I can do to resist calling her right at this moment (there is a very emphathic and angry moment when she detailed the things I was not to do, call her and make sure she's alright, email her, send her a friendster message. it is her intent to pretend I'm dead I believe. Does this confuse you? This ambivalence about being in a relationship with a person I obviously like so much? Imagine how much it confuses me. Better yet, think what it does to her.
I think perhaps I'm simply such a cipher in person that it is too easy for those involved with me to inscribe upon me whatever it is they want to see. I'm nice, I'm kind, I'm polite, occasionally I'm even fun. If the basics of decent humanity appear to be covered and I keep the rest of myself to myself, then they can just imagine me to be whoever they want to be. If I am nice to them, I must like them. If I hold them in bed, I must want to protect them. If I carry their bags, I must care for them. If all these things, then I must feel more for them than mere fondness right?
What is intimacy? Are you able to have it with one person only? Is it something you can only develop with those you truly, trly want to be with? Does it come easy or hard?
I can't say with any honesty that I love either of these women. I enjoy their company and like them both very much, one (who just left) above the other perhaps. I find much to admire, much to be entertained by and much to value in both of them. I care about them and hate to be the cause of any hurt in their lives. I would be very (and demostrably) angry at anyone else who brought pain into their lives. Does this amount to love?
Because I still do not find (as I told Opera girl in the calm after the immediate fury of the opera of our break up), to paraphrase some cornball romantic comedy that I can't remember, that either of them complete me. I'm not looking for perfection, I'm not looking for my female doppelganger but as much as I like each of these women, there are qualities in them that prevent me from wanting to spend all my time exclusively with them or envisioning long and rewarding relationships with them. The blonde has too many bad habits, big ones that grind on my nerves and it cannot be long till I tire of them. Opera girl? Could you be in a relationship with someone who's kisses you never came to love? However good everything else was? If you never merged physically in a manner that fulfilled you? How do you even tell someone you don't enjoy their kisses?
We broke up because she said she wanted to be with just me and for me to be with just her. We broke up because she said, "I think I'm falling in love with you" and I knew that it would be totally unfair to stay with her when I knew that there was no future and I didn't want a future with her, at least not that way. And yes, I do wonder if I made a mistake and if I've built up unreasonable expecatations about who I could be happy with and I really ought to call her and tell her I'm fine being with her and her alone but even more urgently I wonder,
Did the blonde breathe, "I love you" before that kiss last night?
posted by Flint at 11:58 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home