Blogging while dating
Well, thank you Mr. Wheaton, didn't know you were reading my mind now. I don't intend to tell Opera girl (is it a bad sign that I can't come up with a better nickname for her here?) about my blog, at least not if she doesn't ask. And if she does, I will tell her and instruct her that I would much rather she not look for or check it out.
That was the plan anyway. The logical kink in this of course, and one that Wheaton won't shut up about, is that she will find it. Whether by deliberately flaunting my instruction to the contrary, the irresistable presence of the blogger dashboard button on my browser or simply carelessness on my part, she'll find it eventually. This already bores me.
My last blog crashed and burned for the simple reason that both my current and last girl were reading. So was my best friend, another extremely nosy and unhelpful close friend and probably another third of my social galaxy that I was unaware of. Eventually, getting your words thrown in your face, your decisions and inner monologue second guessed and being unable to jot down a private thought without interference got very, very boring. I informed no one that I was closing it, just logged in one day, saved my posts to disk and burned the damned thing.
I actually didn't intend to ever start another blog. In my opinion, the blog had failed and there was no reason to pursue such folly ever again. Unfortunately I need to write. I'm one of those people who needs a diary (although I never succesfully kept one), and who, finding a shortage of people with whom comfortable discussing anything of depth, must attempt those conversations in another sphere. So I started this blog, informing all who asked that I'd retired from blogging and keeping it secret from pretty much everyone I call friend. There are two people who knew in me in the real world before I started this blog who know of it's existence. They are both really good friends, with discretion, who do not have much reason to talk to my other friends, so there is little chance of them accidentally disclosing it's existence.
So I've got this little blog that I like very much. It's a work in progress. I'm usually very honest, but I've probably not told every single detail. It serves its purpose. I like you all, my readers. There aren't too many of you (which is great), but I like you and like knowing that you're out there sympathizing with my plights, whether you say so or not. I don't want this blog blowing up, don't need a huge readership or a thousand people linking me. Yes, I'm an attention whore and I like to be liked and recognized, but I know what purpose this thing serves and it cannot do that if it's being linked by sites my friends are very likely to read.
You know that Jack Johnson song, Breakdown? It is totally fucking righteous.
I worry about my online persona. I want to be liked, but I want to be honest. That might be exhbitionism, but I think it also has to do with a desire for a place outside of my head that's completely honest. I lie to my parents, I lie to my friends, I've lied to every girl I've ever been with and I don't want to have to lie here. Thus I reveal ugly things about myself here, I try to get you to see me as more than a likeable lothario. I've yet to succeed in that, and I know there is much of my life I must talk about more and explore if I hope to get to that place.
But you say, isn't part of the reason you wanted a girl so that you could have someone to be completely honest with? And you're right. And if there is anything that I really, really like about the wonderful lady I've been seeing lately, it's that I've not felt the need to hide much. I may not have told all so far, but I've told no lies and hidden little. I like feeling comfortable enough to talk to her, and I like the way she's dealt with all she's heard about me. The things I've not mentioned, this blog and a few experiences I'm not certain one should divulge until a relationship is very well developed, have not inquired into. If she asks, she gets the truth.
But that still doesn't answer the question of what to do about the blog. If I keep it and I write in it about her, then she'll find it some day and there will be more drama than a Telemundo special. I'm not giving it up, because it seems ridiculous that I'd have to give up something that is so intergral to my exploration of who I am because I'm starting a relationship. You got some thoughts here? I'm rambling. I'm going to make a second post of some extra considerations on the same topic.
That was the plan anyway. The logical kink in this of course, and one that Wheaton won't shut up about, is that she will find it. Whether by deliberately flaunting my instruction to the contrary, the irresistable presence of the blogger dashboard button on my browser or simply carelessness on my part, she'll find it eventually. This already bores me.
My last blog crashed and burned for the simple reason that both my current and last girl were reading. So was my best friend, another extremely nosy and unhelpful close friend and probably another third of my social galaxy that I was unaware of. Eventually, getting your words thrown in your face, your decisions and inner monologue second guessed and being unable to jot down a private thought without interference got very, very boring. I informed no one that I was closing it, just logged in one day, saved my posts to disk and burned the damned thing.
I actually didn't intend to ever start another blog. In my opinion, the blog had failed and there was no reason to pursue such folly ever again. Unfortunately I need to write. I'm one of those people who needs a diary (although I never succesfully kept one), and who, finding a shortage of people with whom comfortable discussing anything of depth, must attempt those conversations in another sphere. So I started this blog, informing all who asked that I'd retired from blogging and keeping it secret from pretty much everyone I call friend. There are two people who knew in me in the real world before I started this blog who know of it's existence. They are both really good friends, with discretion, who do not have much reason to talk to my other friends, so there is little chance of them accidentally disclosing it's existence.
So I've got this little blog that I like very much. It's a work in progress. I'm usually very honest, but I've probably not told every single detail. It serves its purpose. I like you all, my readers. There aren't too many of you (which is great), but I like you and like knowing that you're out there sympathizing with my plights, whether you say so or not. I don't want this blog blowing up, don't need a huge readership or a thousand people linking me. Yes, I'm an attention whore and I like to be liked and recognized, but I know what purpose this thing serves and it cannot do that if it's being linked by sites my friends are very likely to read.
You know that Jack Johnson song, Breakdown? It is totally fucking righteous.
I worry about my online persona. I want to be liked, but I want to be honest. That might be exhbitionism, but I think it also has to do with a desire for a place outside of my head that's completely honest. I lie to my parents, I lie to my friends, I've lied to every girl I've ever been with and I don't want to have to lie here. Thus I reveal ugly things about myself here, I try to get you to see me as more than a likeable lothario. I've yet to succeed in that, and I know there is much of my life I must talk about more and explore if I hope to get to that place.
But you say, isn't part of the reason you wanted a girl so that you could have someone to be completely honest with? And you're right. And if there is anything that I really, really like about the wonderful lady I've been seeing lately, it's that I've not felt the need to hide much. I may not have told all so far, but I've told no lies and hidden little. I like feeling comfortable enough to talk to her, and I like the way she's dealt with all she's heard about me. The things I've not mentioned, this blog and a few experiences I'm not certain one should divulge until a relationship is very well developed, have not inquired into. If she asks, she gets the truth.
But that still doesn't answer the question of what to do about the blog. If I keep it and I write in it about her, then she'll find it some day and there will be more drama than a Telemundo special. I'm not giving it up, because it seems ridiculous that I'd have to give up something that is so intergral to my exploration of who I am because I'm starting a relationship. You got some thoughts here? I'm rambling. I'm going to make a second post of some extra considerations on the same topic.
posted by Flint at 3:55 PM
6 Comments:
I think there are a bunch of things you can do to try and protect your identity. For example, don't have too many identifying details about events or persons.
And there are things you can/ought to do to protect your computer. One blogger's girlfriend found his blog by going on his computer. Go to a search engine and search something like 'how to cover your tracks online' or something like that.
I use Firefox, which has a 'master password' feature. That wasy someone using my browser can't accidentally stumbled across my passwords. I also set the browser history to zero. I could spend a half hour talking about this stuff!
If you're willing to go incognito -- completely -- that's a different story. But how many of us are? I think when we're talking about love and, specifically, when someone in particular is prompting us to talk about love, we want to be known. After all, if you do have one (or a couple) extremely deep thoughts, why should some unknown schmoe get the credit, right?
I don't know.
There's writing for writing's sake ... which I think is very rare (and almost not worth reading).
Then there's writing because we're thinking out loud for an audience... which is pretty good, cuz we're dealing with our demons AND trying to entertain or solicit other opinions.
The problem with blogging is it offers that middle ground. Writers used to have to wait till people died or were out of their lives before writing. And the whole paper from an unknown place made it easier.
But now we have to decide. Cuz, bored as you might be with it, if your girl is using the same computer, she's gonna find out.
I liked this post. And while I deal with simple black and white and while I want you to be more right than I am, I don't know ... I think sometimes simplicity like mine, even if half of it's just for entertainment value, might be the unfortunate truth.
But if you can keep your identity covered sufficiently, then yes, blogging, public diary keeping, etc., is a great thing.
I totally agree with you, and blog for a lot of the same reasons. Like you I lie, a lot in 'real life', just to protect myself and people. And becuase I cannot tell the whole world what I'm thinking, I blog... Like you I want thousands of readers, but if that risks my blog being 'found' I'll take seven loyal readers instead. I guess it's just about being carefull, like you my old blog was also crashed and burned, people found it, began to second guess me... And all felt like they 'knew' me just becuase of words I write down, I hated people contstatly asking 'if i was okay' etc... I don't use real names or name locations, which are private establishments (eg clubs), I name major london locations (streets,parks)but this is also becuase my blog was found by the owner of a bar I used to practically live at when he googled his bar and came across my blog. (imagine that.)
And I also have a disclaimer, which I put to defend myself if any issue arises. Tell them it's all a work of fiction.
I have also stopped using my 'head' like you :), And I will start to password protect posts with pictures, luckily wordpress enables readers to 'register' that way loyal readers wont be affected, but all the 'lurkers' the ones I know come contantly but never leave an identity will.
Don't ever leave your dashboard up, get seperate email addresses for blogs etc.
Google yourself all the time, see if any links that come up link back to your blog.
Password protect your pc, and have a guest account for your girlfriend.
I like you. too bad you don't live in LA. I wouldn't use your blog words against you in a conversation...promise.
Thanks for the thoughts all, and thanks for starting the conversation Mr. Wheaton. I'm going to take a wait and see attitude on it, not mentioning it unless it comes up organically. I'll probably ask her not to go looking for it unless she feels strongly otherwise, in which case I'd have to make a decision about what to do. There isn't anything too damning on here, but having her reading would definitely change the dynamic. Anway, we'll see.
I quite like you too Silvia and I'm glad to know you wouldn't be so cavalier.
Viviane and Tilda, I'm actually going to look into some of that security stuff, just for safety's sake in general. Thanks for the tips.
CG, and what vivid narrative you've had thus far. Honesty is good, I'll see what exciting experiences I can get out it.
And strangest in all of this, I think I might have a girlfriend. Who'd have thunk it?
The last two guys I dated were bloggers. It drove me nuts to check their comments and see other girls flirting with them. They also got fan mail and probably went out with other girls while they are seeing me. Keep your ego on the dl and I think you will be ok.
If the girl is cool enough she won't care and will appreciate your thoughtfulness.
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