My relationship - the uncensored version

This post should be read in the completely stream of thought tone of voice in which it was written (I'm not even sure that makes any sense, but bear with me, or you know skip this post. The main point of it is that the girl and I are now non-exclusive. Non-cliff notes version below)

Well just in case you were wondering, the three weeks apart have pretty much destroyed the relationship between the girl and I. Whether this is a good or a bad thing I'm not certain just yet, but I do have the sneaky feeling it actually is good. Life's weird, then you die and that must be even weirder. I don't know anything about the afterlife, but I have concluded one or three things in this one.

1. I am apparently unable to write a blog about anything other than whoring and boozing. In the timeframe in which I had a girlfriend, I did not become any less of an interesting person. I've been reading lots of world history that I never knew anything about before, watching tons of movies and hanging out with cool people left and right. I've started projects, been to the beach and done lots and lots of stuff. I just didn't really feel about writing about much of it. I did try to write more about my thoughts on people and the world, but I figured it didn't make any sense to subject my readers to half digested, stream of consciousness thoughts on my first thoughts about world and American history and what it says about the people on the whole. That one unfortunate rant below is the obvious exception. I've started many similar posts but never thought enough of them to finish or post them. If you have any ideas as to what you'd like me to blog about, please let me know. I'd be happy to follow instructions where I obviously have no ideas. Please note, I don't do funny so no requests for that stuff.

2. Relationships sure are strange things and I may or may not be ready for one yet. Although I've managed (by which I mean 'managed with great difficulty') to keep it in my pants for the past couple of weeks while the girl is away (despite an impromptu visit to NYC by the Brazilian and a couple of really flirtatious women on my recent outings with the best friend, who must be delighted to have me available to troll the town with him again as he has not grown any more confident with women in the time I've been attached and he hasn't), I've definitely not found that being in a relationship, even with a girl that on paper fits all of my requirements (artsy, independent, thoughtful, etc.), has definitely not caused to stop noticing or lusting after all the other women in Manhattan. That of course has me wondering what it is that led to desire a relationship anyway. Well, I always wanted that closeness and comfort of being involved with someone who knows you very well and likes you despite that knowledge. That there'd be a physical closeness from lots of wonderful sex would only be an added bonus. The problem with Opera girl and I is that we were seperated before we came to know each other very well. Thus for the past two weeks, I've been enduring conversations that didn't feel particularly intimate and weren't even that interesting (lots of reciting our activities for the day, talking about the weather and driving conditions on Charleston and the like). Being the anxious little bunny that I am, I of course began to worry about the health of our relationship (on a side note, I'm not that much of a worrier, at least not aloud, but I am really introspective, so like I've said before, this blog really is a little trip into the head of a fella whose real name is not Flint. I'm far too image conscious to ever allow my friends to hear the majority of my neurotic worrying, so if you ask them about me, they're likely to tell you I'm the most easy going and carefree fella on the planet. Yeah, that's me, Mr. Don't Worry, Be Happy. NOT!)

Anyway, as I was saying. The conversations weren't going very well and I had to ask (over long instant messenger conversations) a couple of my female friends about this and detail all my worries to them. They quite reasonably suggested that instead of talking to them about it, I talk to her about it. Communicating about the problems with your communication as a way to save a relationship? Who'd have thunk it? So I got all set to discuss it, but instead we actually had a really nice and not superficial conversation that day. So I was like "cool! Maybe things will be different now," but then she called me that evening and said that, oops, she'd kissed another boy when she was drunk and stuff and felt really bad about it. Damn.

Now some people would get really upset about this and throw a complete hissy fit and say all sorts of mean things as they end the relationship, but that's not really me. I guess I am a little bit Mr. Don't Worry, Be Happy because I immediately see that the silver lining in this is that maybe we can talk a little more honestly about things. So we kind of do. She's all feeling guilty about it and thinking about why she kissed another guy and basically thinks she's still got some baggage from her last relationship. And I guess that's understandable because she had told me before that her last relationship kind of fucked her up, but apparently she hadn't realized just how much. So I said fine, why don't we go back to being non-exclusive and that'll take the pressure off you while you figure things out, but we'll still be dating each other so it's not like we've written things off at the first problem. Although my friend did say to me that she thought you couldn't really have these kind of problems at the beginning of the relationship because you should be so in love that all you really want to do is be around each other. Of course this isn't the case as she kissed a boy and I've been flirting all over Manhattan and was actually contemplating going on a date to make sure that I wasn't about to settle into a relationship that wasn't right.

So the girl and I are sorta broken up. We're still talking everyday, sometimes up to three times each day, but the conversations have gone back to mundane after all the excitement of figuring out what was happening to us. I do feel like I've not been completely honest because when she kissed a boy, it became all about her doubts about things and I never really took the chance to make my reservations known because I was trying not to be an asshole about her thing and also she was going on about how much she liked me and I didn't know if that meant that she really did want things to work out with us. As for me, I hope it's not premature but I have pretty much decided that things probably won't work out with us. I'm not sure what will happen when she returns, because we did seem to be doing okay when she was around. Maybe there is something there and maybe there isn't. We'll find out when she returns but before then, I'm going on a date sometime this week. Maybe interacting with a new face will give me some perspective. Hmm...