Women: quality and confidence

I'm a bit jealous of her. Problems and all, it would be quite nice to be part of a unit, dealing with things with someone and for a moment be relieved of this eternal feeling of aloneness. Perhaps togetherness is an illusion, but I wouldn't mind being fooled for a little while.

Speaking with a friend of ours who is a psychologist about some place or the other that he is fond of, V said to him that, "if I usually date 7's and 8's, when I go to location X, I get 9's, to which friend of ours replied dead serious, "why not always date 10's?" Oddly enough, hearing about this conversation caused me to wonder if our friend is somewhat sociopathic. He occasionally seems a little too smart and connniving for his own good. Nevertheless in this matter he is quite right. Whatever the rightness or wrongness of assigning a numerical value to women, it's a practice that serves as a shorthand evaluation of the same qualities that everyone judges their potential partners by. And the quality of the people you go for is a direct reflection of your confidence in yourself and your own worth.

One of the reason I wondered about our friend's potential as a sociopath is how right he is, particularly about V. There's a man who needs a gigantic boost of inner confidence if ever anyone has. He's got his flaws, like any of us do but V is unappealingly unsure of his own worth. He's the sort of person who is over aggressive in game playing and at the start of a romantic pursuit because he can't relax and trust in his own ability to win. I complained about this early in this blog's history (a time when incidentally I seem to have been much funnier. Read my first month's posts. I used to have a sense of humor). Anyway, V (Wingman and best friend)'s dress game and career have improved since that time, but his game has certainly not undergone any dramatic metamorphosis. It hasn't worsened and he's definitely been laid a few times in the interim, but he definitely still needs work, particularly in the confidence department. In fact everytime I watch some much less worthy but far more confident guy work the bar at the restaurant I work at, or some party I've brought V to, I sigh and wish they could just give him lessons. I mean, I no longer really rely on him as wingman. As I no longer really do the club scene and I've got more confident, I don't mind walking up to the people I'm interested in even if they have friends I have to manage myself. Still he's my best mate and he really does deserve better than he gives himself credit for.

As for me, if there is anything about the quality of the people I've been dating that has been off, it's not been because of a lack of confidence on my part. Mostly my problem is impatience. I've always been a loner, but the kind of loner who feels his loneliness very keenly. At a point in my life when I don't have to be completely alone (at least not in bed lately), it's always really hard for me to commit to waiting alone for someone I think really worthy of my outrageous standards, especially as so often things go pear shaped really quickly even when those people do come around (see the long and painful saga of Flint and Opera girl). And sometimes I wonder if perhaps I do overestimate my own worth.

My ideals aren't completely ridiculous but I am demanding. I'm mentally sharp and definitely can't deal with anyone less so. I do want someone attractive, and in contradiction of what I've been led to believe about aging I actually find myself more adamant about looks as time goes on, perhaps because I've grown a bit more comfortable with who I am physically. I want someone who carries herself with well, with some elegance, somone who has substance, is kind, driven, capable of conversation, has a sense of humor but can be serious, someone who challenges me but is not so far ahead of me that I feel like I can't keep up. I don't think these are unreasonable requests and I guess one must settle to some extent but I don't feel like I meet that many people who are close to this.

I've met some really wonderful people of late, but they're in different places in their lives than I am. I feel like I frequently find myself interested in older women who've had time to acquire grace, mellow into kindness and grow more confident in themselves, yet it never makes any sense to be dating them because they're so much further along the path of life than I am. A strange catch that. Anyway, I'm rambling as always. If any of you have any thoughts on any of this, from my errant friend and wingman to the problem of waiting and finding the right ones, I'd love to hear em. Until next time, keep your socks off when you're doing it (just so you don't look silly).

Gatherings, friends and parties

A small but significant tradition that my friends and I just got going is the man meal. Started because V, a seafood enthusiast, wanted us to eat at Mary's Fish Camp, it's quickly become one of my favorite events and one of those things that seem to me a marker of maturity of some sort. We've done it about four times now, a different person picking the location each time and paying for the meal. They're not exorbitant meals although they are pretty much as expensive as any of us can reasonably manage at this point in our careers. We did the restaurant I work at once, Freeman's and Sammy's Roumanian steak house, where we joined the employees of a jewelry company for their end of year party. That was fun. Lots of attractive girls dancing to mid 60's hits and drawing us away from our meal to join them. Unusual, but certainly not unwelcome.

In the last year or so, I've definitely moved firmly to an appreciation of small gatherings over crazy nightclubs. My favorite night the entire year was an evening when a group of about six of seven of us gathered at an underground wine bar in Soho and got completely blitzed on Italian reds while sharing some of the best and most amusing conversation I've had in a long time. The wine bar/restaurant we were at is probably my favorite New York hang out spot right now. Ironically, I was introduced to it by crazy girl from hell on my very worst date ever. Silver linings people, keep an eye out for them.

I've been doing my games nights as well, semi regular things where I gather a bunch of people at my place to get drunk and play board games. I think they might have run their course now, but they were really fun for a while. And though I've missed the last few gatherings, tea with the perverts was definitely one of the regular highlights of the year's socializing. Must make time for some of this year's events or push for them to be held on days when I don't work.

My birthday is coming up later this month and I've got to come up with some event organized similarly around small groups. I did the nightclub thing intensely in college and on my arrival to New York, and much as I love to dance, I'm very much over that scene. Say no to snotty bouncers, ridiculous cover charges, mediocre music and overcrowded dance floors. Say yes to good people, real conversations, great music, intimacy and experiences worth remembering. Hit me up if you've got any ideas for a worthy quarter century celebration that doesn't include a boring lounge or crowded night club, or if you'd like to come to one of these gatherings. I'd like to set about meeting more good people, and I've had luck with bloggers thus far. I do think I need to develop some of those relationships further as well. Sometimes it's less about meeting new people than cultivating those you've already met.

Hullo

My lover tired of me I think. Return calls took longer, dates were cancelled, no real attempts were made to actually meet. I didn't really fight it, don't particularly mind. The sex was fun, but there wasn't much more to it. She was pleasant to be around but it's unlikely we'd ever have amounted to much. Besides she lived way into Brooklyn which, considering my Harlem location, might as well have been the far side of Egypt. So she's out of my life.

This happened just before I went away for Christmas. When she made no effort to meet before I left for two weeks, I decided I wouldn't be calling her when I got back. And then I went to Nigeria for two busy weeks of family activity. It was pleasant, yet trying. I love my family and we are quite close in our way. Still I am an intensely selfish and self absorbed person person who is far too fond of the solitude afforded by living alone in a country that I came to by myelf. My friends, my activities, my finances and mental space have no other real claimants when I am in New York. I am responsible for myself and myself is responsible only for me. It often feels like my real life is on hold when I go away for any period of time and this was no different.

I am no longer used to playing the role of son. The first of four, my role can be quite demanding, sometimes consuming. Living in New York allows me to breathe and have a life apart from that particular role. It is quite jarring then to go back and find that none of the expectations have changed and to live even for a short period defined primarily by that positioning. Much as I love my parents and family, I had to resist the urge to constantly inform them that I am Fred first of all and Flint only secondarily (if Fred Flint were my real name that is). My dad's role is particularly tough to deal with. An overwhelming presence, the mere mention of his name or knowledge that I am his son instantly invokes the most patronizing and fawning of responses towards me. Coming at a time when I'm trying to define myself as an adult for good, this does not in any way please me and I'm not unhappy to have escaped back to the safety of my adopted home.

I am coming up on the seventh anniversary of my move to this country. Ironic, considering the contents of the previous paragraph, that I am contemplating allowing it to be my final one. If I am ever to move back to my home country, it makes sense that I do it sooner rather than later. Whatever the pursuits that will make up my life, I must begin them in earnest soon and it continues to appear that my prospects burn brighter at home than they do here. I've spent a lot of time fighting the call home. I am more comfortable here, happier in many ways. There is much I would miss were I to go home, not all of it frivolous. I have no friends of quality at home, have never felt socially comfortable there and I would miss the kind of abstract conversation that one is only afforded in countries where the basic comforts of life are taken completely for granted. Still discomfort is frequently a good thing. I worry that I am becoming complacent here, settling in for a life of mediocracy, something that is completely unacceptable. We'll see. I have about a year to make this decision.

Something else that has been quite mediocre is my posting on this here blog. I am aware of this and I shall try to be better. I'm going to see if I can make this more of a stream of consciousness blog and drop my thoughts, whatever they might be more regularly. In analyzing some of my relationships last year, I would come here looking to remember what my thought process had been previously and find myself frustrated by the gaps in my own writings. I'd like to be more faithful this year. More to come...