Women: quality and confidence
I'm a bit jealous of her. Problems and all, it would be quite nice to be part of a unit, dealing with things with someone and for a moment be relieved of this eternal feeling of aloneness. Perhaps togetherness is an illusion, but I wouldn't mind being fooled for a little while.
Speaking with a friend of ours who is a psychologist about some place or the other that he is fond of, V said to him that, "if I usually date 7's and 8's, when I go to location X, I get 9's, to which friend of ours replied dead serious, "why not always date 10's?" Oddly enough, hearing about this conversation caused me to wonder if our friend is somewhat sociopathic. He occasionally seems a little too smart and connniving for his own good. Nevertheless in this matter he is quite right. Whatever the rightness or wrongness of assigning a numerical value to women, it's a practice that serves as a shorthand evaluation of the same qualities that everyone judges their potential partners by. And the quality of the people you go for is a direct reflection of your confidence in yourself and your own worth.
One of the reason I wondered about our friend's potential as a sociopath is how right he is, particularly about V. There's a man who needs a gigantic boost of inner confidence if ever anyone has. He's got his flaws, like any of us do but V is unappealingly unsure of his own worth. He's the sort of person who is over aggressive in game playing and at the start of a romantic pursuit because he can't relax and trust in his own ability to win. I complained about this early in this blog's history (a time when incidentally I seem to have been much funnier. Read my first month's posts. I used to have a sense of humor). Anyway, V (Wingman and best friend)'s dress game and career have improved since that time, but his game has certainly not undergone any dramatic metamorphosis. It hasn't worsened and he's definitely been laid a few times in the interim, but he definitely still needs work, particularly in the confidence department. In fact everytime I watch some much less worthy but far more confident guy work the bar at the restaurant I work at, or some party I've brought V to, I sigh and wish they could just give him lessons. I mean, I no longer really rely on him as wingman. As I no longer really do the club scene and I've got more confident, I don't mind walking up to the people I'm interested in even if they have friends I have to manage myself. Still he's my best mate and he really does deserve better than he gives himself credit for.
As for me, if there is anything about the quality of the people I've been dating that has been off, it's not been because of a lack of confidence on my part. Mostly my problem is impatience. I've always been a loner, but the kind of loner who feels his loneliness very keenly. At a point in my life when I don't have to be completely alone (at least not in bed lately), it's always really hard for me to commit to waiting alone for someone I think really worthy of my outrageous standards, especially as so often things go pear shaped really quickly even when those people do come around (see the long and painful saga of Flint and Opera girl). And sometimes I wonder if perhaps I do overestimate my own worth.
My ideals aren't completely ridiculous but I am demanding. I'm mentally sharp and definitely can't deal with anyone less so. I do want someone attractive, and in contradiction of what I've been led to believe about aging I actually find myself more adamant about looks as time goes on, perhaps because I've grown a bit more comfortable with who I am physically. I want someone who carries herself with well, with some elegance, somone who has substance, is kind, driven, capable of conversation, has a sense of humor but can be serious, someone who challenges me but is not so far ahead of me that I feel like I can't keep up. I don't think these are unreasonable requests and I guess one must settle to some extent but I don't feel like I meet that many people who are close to this.
I've met some really wonderful people of late, but they're in different places in their lives than I am. I feel like I frequently find myself interested in older women who've had time to acquire grace, mellow into kindness and grow more confident in themselves, yet it never makes any sense to be dating them because they're so much further along the path of life than I am. A strange catch that. Anyway, I'm rambling as always. If any of you have any thoughts on any of this, from my errant friend and wingman to the problem of waiting and finding the right ones, I'd love to hear em. Until next time, keep your socks off when you're doing it (just so you don't look silly).
Speaking with a friend of ours who is a psychologist about some place or the other that he is fond of, V said to him that, "if I usually date 7's and 8's, when I go to location X, I get 9's, to which friend of ours replied dead serious, "why not always date 10's?" Oddly enough, hearing about this conversation caused me to wonder if our friend is somewhat sociopathic. He occasionally seems a little too smart and connniving for his own good. Nevertheless in this matter he is quite right. Whatever the rightness or wrongness of assigning a numerical value to women, it's a practice that serves as a shorthand evaluation of the same qualities that everyone judges their potential partners by. And the quality of the people you go for is a direct reflection of your confidence in yourself and your own worth.
One of the reason I wondered about our friend's potential as a sociopath is how right he is, particularly about V. There's a man who needs a gigantic boost of inner confidence if ever anyone has. He's got his flaws, like any of us do but V is unappealingly unsure of his own worth. He's the sort of person who is over aggressive in game playing and at the start of a romantic pursuit because he can't relax and trust in his own ability to win. I complained about this early in this blog's history (a time when incidentally I seem to have been much funnier. Read my first month's posts. I used to have a sense of humor). Anyway, V (Wingman and best friend)'s dress game and career have improved since that time, but his game has certainly not undergone any dramatic metamorphosis. It hasn't worsened and he's definitely been laid a few times in the interim, but he definitely still needs work, particularly in the confidence department. In fact everytime I watch some much less worthy but far more confident guy work the bar at the restaurant I work at, or some party I've brought V to, I sigh and wish they could just give him lessons. I mean, I no longer really rely on him as wingman. As I no longer really do the club scene and I've got more confident, I don't mind walking up to the people I'm interested in even if they have friends I have to manage myself. Still he's my best mate and he really does deserve better than he gives himself credit for.
As for me, if there is anything about the quality of the people I've been dating that has been off, it's not been because of a lack of confidence on my part. Mostly my problem is impatience. I've always been a loner, but the kind of loner who feels his loneliness very keenly. At a point in my life when I don't have to be completely alone (at least not in bed lately), it's always really hard for me to commit to waiting alone for someone I think really worthy of my outrageous standards, especially as so often things go pear shaped really quickly even when those people do come around (see the long and painful saga of Flint and Opera girl). And sometimes I wonder if perhaps I do overestimate my own worth.
My ideals aren't completely ridiculous but I am demanding. I'm mentally sharp and definitely can't deal with anyone less so. I do want someone attractive, and in contradiction of what I've been led to believe about aging I actually find myself more adamant about looks as time goes on, perhaps because I've grown a bit more comfortable with who I am physically. I want someone who carries herself with well, with some elegance, somone who has substance, is kind, driven, capable of conversation, has a sense of humor but can be serious, someone who challenges me but is not so far ahead of me that I feel like I can't keep up. I don't think these are unreasonable requests and I guess one must settle to some extent but I don't feel like I meet that many people who are close to this.
I've met some really wonderful people of late, but they're in different places in their lives than I am. I feel like I frequently find myself interested in older women who've had time to acquire grace, mellow into kindness and grow more confident in themselves, yet it never makes any sense to be dating them because they're so much further along the path of life than I am. A strange catch that. Anyway, I'm rambling as always. If any of you have any thoughts on any of this, from my errant friend and wingman to the problem of waiting and finding the right ones, I'd love to hear em. Until next time, keep your socks off when you're doing it (just so you don't look silly).
posted by Flint at 4:14 PM
3 Comments:
aw, thanks for the shout out buddy! the luckiness of my whole situation is not lost on me, believe me. I am so very grateful for what I have.
we should really have drinks sometime, I have so much to say about this dating stuff, and I want to know all about the scene. what's your schedule like?? email me?
ps, damn, I always forget about that socks-off thing! thanks ;)
do we really need to find "the right one"? isn't this quest an illusion in itself? ultimately, our biology pushes us to find a partner and procreate. that's all there is to it. we illude ourselves, build up a love story and all of that falling in love process that takes so much energy out of us.
maybe we should just focus on knowing ourselves, and the right partner will just naturally follow us at the right time.
I don't know about "the" right one, but "a" right one would be nice. I'm pretty particular about who I open up to (other than the general public in this space) and spend significant amounts of time with. My laundry list of requirements in the post comprises those things I value and insist on in any one I'd consider close to me. I think they are things that many women could possess and are not exclusive to any particular "one."
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