I say, JUMP!

Watching the opus of fabulousness that is "Pump Up the Volume," I'm forced to wonder how far out of myself I could wander. I think of famously introverted musicians who nevertheless were/are the most electric of performers, particularly Hendrix or Andre 3000, and I wonder if I can get that out of myself. I'm about as insane as Charles Manson and could get further out there than Trent Reznor. It's all in here, but I'm struggling against years and years of conditioning and societal strictures that I've always despised yet have managed to internalize. High school wasn't a fun time. Unlike Happy Harry, I didn't hide my head in public and rail at night. I railed, railed and bought myself some very hard times, butting heads with everyone from principal to the seniors. In a country that takes it's religion very seriously, I declared myself a non-believer in God and dealt with the fallout until for the sake of my sanity, I recanted in an obvious and barefaced lie. I even began to believe again until I came to this country and a bunch of really devoted Christians managed to get me to think really deeply and decide once again that the God which so many people put their fears and folly into, if he or she does exist can take that very existence and screw himself with it. God, I fucking hate religion. And I bought trouble for myself in many other ways, saying things they didn't want to hear, hadn't pushed their weak and constrained minds to even thinking about. But in the end, I did compromise. I did make a few friends, and aspire to the very same things they all did. I'm only able to think as far out of my existence as the language and discourse of my time allow me. Yet, even within that space, there is so much more I could be, if I could only let go, jump, even if I fall, just jump and take the fall. And I'm scared, no doubt about it. I worry about failure, despite the fact that I know my existence will have no meaning if I don't take the chances I ought to. I need to concentrate, find my groove and work it, work it, work it like a mine for diamonds and no slave labor but mine required. I'm as smart as anybody needs to be, as creative as any Beatle that ever wrote a song or Fellini that directed a movie. And I'm narcissistic enough to know that I am all of these things. I need to work harder, one of those things they tell you all your life but I've never really learned and cared for till it serves my own purposes. I need discipline, another stricture of ordinary society that is essential for genius to flourish and I need space so I can do these things without being held back. I want support, similarly intelligent and ambitious people eager to take on the world as it is and make it into the world we'd like it to be. Goodness, how pathetic of a life would be it be if we all took this energy within us and the only thing we did with it was earn a living, breed and die. How fucking pathetic would that be? Oh, I need to jump, I definitely need to jump, no harness, no chute, just hope and my talents. I need to jump. I have a good feeling about this year and I'm gearing up for the jump and if this time next year finds me in the same place, then what I really ought to do is jump off a real bridge.