She wants revenge

I mean, why get into a relationship in the first instance? Why do we invest so much in searching and dating and longing and hoping, till we come to seem like deluded fools seeking the Maltese falcon. The idea of love or the ideal of a relationship for me rests ins imply finding someone to speak to. As Chelsea girl points out here, the real tragedy for most guys at the end of a relationship is the loss of the person they speak the most to. I pity the woman who agrees to get deeply involved with me. I've got 24 years worth of repressed conversations I'd like to get out pronto. My attempts at finding a confidante have often been the sort of farcical events that have one laughing to cover up the tears. I remember writing a letter to a girl I had the hugest crush on when I was 13. I figured that if she could only understand who I really was, she'd be able to overlook my pariah status at that point, and fall desperately and deeply in love with me. So I wrote this four page horror, like a map of my brain, filled with my fears and hopes, what made me happy, what made me sad, what I thought about her and what I thought about the other single cell organisms that comprised my classes. Yeah, you see where this is leading don't you? In a way, I chose pretty well the person to hand this Weapon of Intense Destruction to. She avoided me for a couple of days, and then after prep one night, she looked me straight in the eye and told me with as much venom as she contained never to write such a thing to her again and to generally avoid speaking to her in total. Why was this the ideal response? Well, it let me know just how unlikely it was that anyone needed to get that far into my psyche. And secondly, she probably tore my letter up after she read it, rather than show it around to her friends and quadruple my miseries in the world, a fate I would surely have suffered if I had picked anyone a tad more immature or crueler. I learnt my lesson too well and didn't date one person in that high school till I graduated, despite some half hearted passes at the same girl and a couple of others much later on.

One other thing that came out of that whole affair though was a sort of coping mechanism. Whether consciously or unconsciously, I've stuck to close female friends ever since. The idea being that if I can't find conversation within a romantic relationship, I might as well have the kinds of friends I'd be comfortable talking to. I've had perhaps two close male friends and probably twenty close female friends since then. And it's worked pretty well for the most part. Except that one time my best friend was a girl I was in love with. Not that I fell in love with my best friend. Rather the opposite: I met a girl and just about lost my head at the very first sight of her and then a week or so later she introduced me to her boyfriend, so there went romance. Still she liked me and somehow or the other we became fast friends, and despite being mad about her, I still gave her honest advise when her relationship went mad and generally played the good guy role. And then after a year and a half of moping about, and a full half year after her relationship reached it's long and tortuous end, I confessed all. At which point, she promptly stopped speaking to me and effectively pissed away a year and a half of friendship. Bitch.

Anyway, that explains why the majority of my friends are female. And serves as warning for all who might contemplate dating me: I've got lots of talking stored up in me and you will surely have to hear it all. Good night. Oh, the title of the post refers not to anything within this post but rather the excellent band I saw earlier on this evening. Check em out; they're quite fun.